How could two contradictory desires live within one being? On the one hand, I want to experience so much in life. I want to learn how to play music, to read all great books, to travel & visit all places, to learn all languages. I want to accomplish & make a difference. But then on the other hand, I would also like for my life to end, for all life to end. There are so many unanswered questions. So much misery & heartbreak that no part of me wants to experience. I live in the fear of tommorw. I live in the fear of the continuation of today. The tedium of life is the end of it, not death. How could a person have so much life in them at one moment, and none at all another?
How could you go to heaven when everything you do as a woman is sin? Don’t breathe too loudly. Don’t laugh. Don’t walk a certain way. Don’t dress some other way. Don’t be friendly. Don’t smile at or socialize with men. Don’t raise your voice or talk back to them. Don’t make a scene. Why is it so difficult for your simple mind to understand that all that is asked of you is one facile thing? To be invisible.
The way I dealt with stress in the past was by putting my stressors in order, from the most stressful to the least, and then working on getting rid of the first on the list while completely blocking the rest out of my mind. One stressor at a time. You can’t drown that way. But lately, my stressors have been so interconnected that it’s impossible for me to deal with one without the other. They’re too many & are all of great significance. On top of that, a few major stressors of these are entirely out of my control. Ones without simple & quick solutions. Ones the cure of which lies in time. But time takes time & I’m running out of energy. I’m getting tired, slowly losing the power to tread water, to keep my head above the surface.