I dreamt of my grandmother just a couple of days before she died. I hadn’t thought about her for a while then (she’d been fighting cancer for some time). When I learned about her passing, on a school night, I felt a bit sad but was mostly in denial. I went to school the next day, composed, still in denial perhaps, until it was lunch time. I sat with a group of friends, not having mentioned the passing of my grandmother (likely not even thinking about it at the moment), someone brought up dreams, and for the first time, I heard the interpretation that when you dream of someone, it means that they’re the ones who have been thinking of you, not the other way around.
For some reason, I was suddenly hit by a storm of emotions, barely able to fight back the tears. I guess, although probably untrue, I was saddened by the idea of me crossing my grandmother’s mind days before her passing when she hadn’t, albeit should’ve, crossed mine.
How could two contradictory desires live within one being? On the one hand, I want to experience so much in life. I want to learn how to play music, to read all great books, to travel & visit all places, to learn all languages. I want to accomplish & make a difference. But then on the other hand, I would also like for my life to end, for all life to end. There are so many unanswered questions. So much misery & heartbreak that no part of me wants to experience. I live in the fear of tommorw. I live in the fear of the continuation of today. The tedium of life is the end of it, not death. How could a person have so much life in them at one moment, and none at all another?
What comes after day? Night. What comes after life? Death. What comes after love? Heartbreak. Those who’ve lived longer or had opened their hearts earlier might have predicted it. They might have even laughed at my naive self for believing in & writing so much about love. I’d like to say it was never him though. It was never me either. It was everything but us. It was everyone else. But then again, does that even matter if it all hurts the same?