How could two contradictory desires live within one being? On the one hand, I want to experience so much in life. I want to learn how to play music, to read all great books, to travel & visit all places, to learn all languages. I want to accomplish & make a difference. But then on the other hand, I would also like for my life to end, for all life to end. There are so many unanswered questions. So much misery & heartbreak that no part of me wants to experience. I live in the fear of tommorw. I live in the fear of the continuation of today. The tedium of life is the end of it, not death. How could a person have so much life in them at one moment, and none at all another?
Time now, unlike in the past, isn’t wasted on getting the basic needs for living & as a result, we’ve gained the luxury of focusing on our feelings. We analyze, scrutinize & sometimes, overdramatize them until these feelings consume us. Feelings of love used to mean love, those of hate meant hate & everything in between was everything in between. Now however, feelings of love could mean love, simple crush or admiration, temporary affection due to boredom, emotional weakness or instability & so on. Same way with hate. It could mean jealousy or feeling threatened & scared. Lack of either currently means you’re either bored, miserable, tired, or depressed.
We no longer stop at feeling what we feel (or don’t feel) & accept it. No, we need to know why we feel the way we do, how we came to feel it & whether there’s a way to stop or change it. It’s a luxury we needn’t be able to afford.
A lot of people nowadays will say things like ‘I’m dead inside’ or ‘If I had feelings, that would hurt’ as an attempt to sound cool & insensitive to hide their vulnerability but the truth is we enjoy feeling. Every now & then we like to listen to, read or watch something that moves & elicits an emotional response in us just to make sure we’re still alive inside, but we like to do it in our own time. At a time we feel is an appropriate time to feel.
I feel empty & nothing I’m doing on my own is helping. I fear I may share how I feel & be told what it is they think I should fill this emptiness with. But maybe it isn’t emptiness what I’m feeling but heaviness instead. How would I know? I never experienced it before. What if it isn’t something that needs to be filled but something that needs to be spilled?