How could two contradictory desires live within one being? On the one hand, I want to experience so much in life. I want to learn how to play music, to read all great books, to travel & visit all places, to learn all languages. I want to accomplish & make a difference. But then on the other hand, I would also like for my life to end, for all life to end. There are so many unanswered questions. So much misery & heartbreak that no part of me wants to experience. I live in the fear of tommorw. I live in the fear of the continuation of today. The tedium of life is the end of it, not death. How could a person have so much life in them at one moment, and none at all another?
Never trust fully, trust enough. That’s what I’d say to a person. I have a good number of close friends & family members but I can say with all honesty that there isn’t a single person who I trust blindly. No one person knows everything about me. I share different secrets with different people & don’t share all with just one. That’s if I share at all since most secrets I keep to myself. The reason for that is not that I don’t believe in the concept of trust, because I do except what I trust in most is the human nature.
Every person has her/his own interest at heart. I may believe you have no intention of harming me now or ever but I can’t tell what intentions future you may develop. I trust that you’d have my back against others but what if it was between saving me or saving you for example? You’d save you and I can’t say I’d blame you for it. I don’t ever want to feel that someone has leverage over me for something I could’ve kept to myself if that makes any sense. I don’t want to be anxious about breaking ties with a person one day because of the potential of them exposing me. I don’t want to see a person walk away with important pieces of me. I sound paranoid & you’d think I have deep dark secrets but the truth is most of my “secrets” are stuff no one would think twice about but maybe it’s because I’m a private person in real life & would like to keep it that way.
When I get emotional about a scene in a movie or when I hear terrible news on TV, I don’t do so because I sympathize with those strangers. Not even in that am I purely selfless. I cry because I see you. I see us. I see them. I see me losing the people I love or them losing me.
Do you ever feel like a fraud? I know less than I should know. I do less than I should do. And I am less than people think I am. I feel like a fraud.